NO CASH VALUE

“ We got bushes that attract more bees than you’ve seen in your life! You want ‘em?

— Atom, guessing at how the bushes outside our office came to be.

“ I’ve drunk a lot tonight. Drank. Drinked. Shut up, I speak more languages than you.

— Elena, after having drinked quite a bit.

shave in hell

atom: what ya got there?
me: a beard trimmer.
atom: go to hell.
(atom hates when I shave)

nasty fast food hivemind

(the first two lines happened simultaneously)
Me: i want to leave early, take fifth and stop by marino's
Atom: you wanna head out early and get some nasty fast food breakfast?
Atom: haha
Atom: hivemind
Me: that was fucking sweet

should've used a shortener

re5etsmyth: http://www.xvideos.com/video210796/mini_eel_enema
kremdela: I'm not watching that
re5etsmyth: why

predictions

Me: Look at those clouds. It looks like a dog being chased by a bear with a dwarf on its back riding backwards.
atom: It's going to rain.

and some champagne from ebay

Atom: this bitch has no idea what she is in for
Atom: got reservations at a fancy restaurant, where there will be flowers WAITING AT THE TABLE
Atom: internet +1

dead sea phishing

atom: just ate a big plate of shrimp
Lauren: eating most delicious coneys. they actually came out pretty good second day
atom: my farts smell like a dead vagina
Lauren: YUM
atom: pervert.
Lauren: you're the worst
Lauren: and i don't like you anymore
atom: haha
Lauren: it was an unfortunate scrolling of words
Lauren: i am going to close the window
Lauren: and reopen
Lauren: as to avoid seeing those words again

is that a no-point-oh?

mdrb2k: i'm going to say something, and then i want you to let your imagination run wild
mdrb2k: tattoo-point-oh
mdrb2k: eh? EH?!
mdrb2k: agile socially networked tattoo crowdsourcing
[Tyler signed off]

i'm picturing a dick tracy villain

Brendan: i want a good nickname.
Atom: what about puddles
Brendan: as a nick name?
Brendan: id be proud to be called puddles
Atom: yeah
Atom: you are gonna have to start peeing your pants in public
Brendan: ahahahahah
Brendan: fine fine
Brendan: like
Brendan: get into a fight
Brendan: and we have a stand off
Brendan: you snap your fingers
Brendan: and go
Brendan: show em the stuff puddles
Brendan: and ill step forward
Brendan: and piss my pants
Atom: hahaha
Brendan: then start crying

i'll pound your cake

atom: :0 C=======8
atom: X|======8
atom: X|==8
atom: X|8
atom: X|==8
Sebbe: you got pound cake?
atom: X|======8
atom: yeah come have some

where can i find gift certificates?

Me: oh? surgery?
Laura: no, diet and exercise...the boobs were the first to go
Me: even better
Laura: yeah, I miss them a little
Laura: they are still pretty big...just feel tiny to me
Me: you should get hand reduction surgery so they feel bigger
Laura: lmao
Laura: good idea
Laura: then penises would feel bigger too
Me: oooh, nice!
Me: i know what all my future girlfriends are getting for christmas

if they're lucky?

Xxxx: The strangest place I've ever had sex? The embalming table at a state penitentiary.
JR: Wow, most people only get to lay on that once.

Parking Attendant (looking at my shirt): “What’s that? A balloon and a rabbit?”
Me (now also looking at my shirt): “Yep.”
Parking Attendant: “What’s that mean? What’s that supposed to be saying?”
Me: “I think it means he lost his balloon, and now he’s sad.”

“ I don’t want him to get murdered. I just think it’s funny that he’s going to get murdered.

— Atom, explaining his interest in Brendan’s new modeling career.